South Park Jock Wars: the Mini Series
by Cartman the Great
Summary: This is the first five part series of a new south park series i created that is about the battle between south park and an ancient evil known as jocks. rated T for language
1. Chapter 1

**South Park Jock Wars**

**Part 1/5**

I have been to hell and back again. There were things that happened that no one should see. I am Eric Cartman and now I'm going to tell you about the rise of the preps and the re awakening of the jocks.

It all started a long time ago in town far, far away. A powerful evil ruled the town of North Grove. Every three years these beings known as jocks kicked every kids butt in the town. For the rest of the time they went into hibernation. All but a few of them slept allowing the kids to get fresh hope then the jocks would awaken to kick their student group thing's butts. It had only been one year since the jocks had last rampaged through that town, when me, and my elite team went there and screwed it all up.

For me it all started with the rise of the prep known as Dan, to popularity and power. At first he had just been some new kid just a minor vexation in the grand scheme of things. The rest of the school had welcomed Dan the ignorant new kid with open arms. I however was suspicious of him form the beginning. He had been just your average new kid for the first two days but soon he showed signs of over confidence way too soon.

I think it was that Bob kid's fault for first talking to him. If it had not been for that then Dan might never have become the annoying blond prep that I would soon learn to despise. A few days after that Bob's friends had all turned on him and joined Dan. Bob was relegated to the realm of the non-preps and Dan was on his way to domination of the town.

It was at this point that I decided to stop Dan before he was able to take over the entire town. I talked to my three friends Kyle, Butters, and Kenny and asked them to think of solutions to the problem. They all had one idea. We could use Kenny's four seat go-cart to drive through the surrounding towns and search for new ways to defeat Dan and his army of what resembled those singing rats from a Quizno's subs commercial they used to show. Sponge monkeys are what Dan called them I believe.

Any way Dan had given the science club the supplies to create the creatures. That had resulted in the creation of Dan's grand army. The sponge monkeys served as Dan's goons. Seeing as Dan was a prep, he could not afford to be openly rude to any one, so he had the creatures do his dirty work for him.

It eventually got so bad that we had to give Dan a tax of three fifty every day or be beaten up by the sponge monkeys. This was the last straw. That day after school, me and the guys went and loaded up Lenny's go-cart with all kinds of paintball and b-b guns and took off for the next town known as North Grove.

"Okay Kyle you drive us to North Grove." I ordered after I was sitting in the back of the go-cart.

"I don't think we have the right kind of engine for highway drive." Kyle said.

"Highway drive? What the heck is that?" I asked.

"The amount of speed you need to drive on the highway I would assume." Butters said.

"Okay then use this Highway drive if you can I don't want to be driving along on the side streets to get there." I said frustrated.

"Okay let's get to the highway before we start going that fast." Kenny said.

We rode out to the entrance ramp as fast as we could. When we got there about half an hour later, we got there. The high way was empty and we had found out that the cart's engine was powerful enough to get us there.

"Okay get us on the highway." I said.

"Okay." Kyle said and floored it. We took off with a jolt and were going at least forty-five miles per hour in a matter of seconds. We rode along in silence for about half an hour until we got to the exit ramp for North Grove.

We drove down it and slowed down. We drove down the side streets until we got to a small public school known as Fremd jr. high. We parked in the field next to the playground. We ran across the sunny field until we got to the main part of the school. We were approached by a small group of about five or so kids.

"Hello there!" I yelled out to them.

"Go back we don't wan you to bring down the jocks on our heads." The leader of the group said, and pointed in the direction, which we came.

"Huh? What are you talking about?" I asked.

"You know the jocks they come and kick every one's butt then leave." The leader said.

"Who are these so called jocks?" Butters asked nervously.

"We have never talked to any one who did not know." The leader said and turned back towards the school. "Come with us then we should probably talk to you."

He motioned for the four of us to follow. I gave my friends a nod and we followed. We were lead into a small corridor and into a library. A Short fat kid in a green coat was sitting at the other side of a table.

"Who is this?" The fat kid asked.

"Brent, these are kids from away." The group leader said.

"No really?" Brent asked sarcastically.

"They say they have never heard about the jocks." The leader said.

"Leave them with me." Brent said. The entire welcome party left the library leaving the four of us alone with Brent.

"Where do you come from?" Brent asked. "And how is it that you have never heard of the jocks?"

"We come from a town called South Park." Kenny said. "Now will some one please explain to us who these jocks are and why you all feel so scared of them."

"The jocks are pure evil scouring this town and kicking every one's butt who is not a jock that is how they survive. They feel good and stay out of depression as long as they can destroy the hopes of others." Brent explained.

"Okay so they sound like Dan." I said.

"Wait there's more!" Brent said. "Every three years the jocks all awaken go on a rampage destroying everything in their path, get really drunk while playing sports and go to Homecoming dances. The rest of the time though almost all of them sleep waiting to go out and party again. The last great homecoming was about a year ago but still they attack in smaller numbers to remind us of their authority."

"That sounds bad." Butters said.

"I don't think these guys are going to be able to help us." Kyle said to me.

"Then let's go we don't want to incur the wrath of these 'jocks' on them." I said.

Suddenly the roar of loud rap music playing shook the whole school. We ran over to the window and saw three small sports cars pull up into the field where we had parked the go-cart. This was all too strange to us. We had never seen anything like this before.

"I take it these are the jocks you were talking about?" I asked.

"Yes! Run for your lives!" Brent yelled and ran out of the room.

"Guys get out your paintball guns I think we can handle this." I said. The four of us pulled out paintball guns and ran for the front door. When we got out-side we saw the jocks driving around in drunken circles and chasing kids in the parking lot. When they got near enough to one they grabbed him tied him up and threw him in the back of the car.

"What the heck are they doing that for?" Shrieked Butters. "Oh god! Oh my god the jocks are here!"

One of the cars turned and ran straight at us. We all pulled the triggers on the sub automatic paint guns we were carrying and let them rip. The jock car was pelted with multi colors and veered off course into a nearby street light. The remaining two cars scooped up a few more kids and drove off into the east before we could get any more shots off.

"Help! Help!" Called a voice off to my right. We ran over to the wreckage of the jock car. Brent was sitting there holding his leg.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Damn jocks hit me." Brent said. "They also ran off with several other kids."

"Yea why'd they do that?" I asked.

"So they can beat the crap out of him at a later date." Brent said. "We know where they go if I tell you, will you go rescue them?"

"Oh alright I'll take care of it for you now f off I'm eating." I said and pulled out a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken.

"Okay here. The jocks have their base in the high school on the other side of town." Brent said.

"Okay how do we know which high school it is?" Kyle asked.

"It is known as Addison high school." Brent said.

"Okay Kyle get us to Addison." I said and walked over to the go-cart.

We all piled into the cart and Kyle started up the engine. We sped off to towards the other side of the town. It took a good half hour to get there but we knew when we were there. At first, we thought that we had come to the out skirts of town and that it was just a grassy hill in front of us. As we got closer, we realized that we were severely mistaken. It was not a hill but a massive bus. The bus had been sitting there for so long that grass and small trees had started to grow on it.

"Oh my god!" I said in sheer aw. "There must be a whole ton of those jocks in there."

"Okay so how are we going to sneak in there?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know." Kenny said. "If it is a bus then there will probably be a back door some where."

"Good then lets get in and out before they notice anyone missing from where ever they hold these kids they take." I sighed. "Let's go in."

We ran up to the side of the bus and started searching desperately for a door. We eventually found the back hatch locked and well guarded. We hid in the bushes watching the guards for a while. After about half an hour though we got bored and decided to just take the door by force.

"Okay when I whistle open fire on the jocks guarding the door." I said.

I waited for every one to get in position then I whistled. Paintballs burst forth from the bushes surrounding the door but just bounced harmlessly off the jocks football pads. This was bad but at least they were surrounded. I yelled for every one to empty more ammo into the jocks and this time it worked but it took a lot of hits to even stagger them. By the time we had managed to get them to fall they had sounded the alarm, causing hundreds more to come pouring out of the back of the bus.

"Fight for your lives!" Yelled Kenny just as he was hit in the head by a jock thrown football. Lenny fell to the ground and time seemed to stop.

"Oh my god! They killed Kenny!" Lyle yelled.

"You bastards!" Butters said.

"Run away!" I yelled after I looked down and saw that I had no ammo left. We all ran back to the go-cart and piled inside it.

"What about the kids who were taken?" Asked Butters.

"We're out of ammo we can't take these jocks down." I said. "Now get us out of here Kyle."

"Its about to get bad! Look behind us!" Butters said. Rushing at us were two jock sports cars. They looked very drunk and ready for a fight. I told Lyle to go as fast as he could or we would get killed. Butters suggested that we start dropping stuff out behind us to slow them down. We started to drop every thing we could think of. Eventually we found a box of fire works. We dropped a match into the box and threw it off the back of the go-cart and into one of the jock cars. It exploded in a flash of light and blocked the way for the other oncoming car.

"Okay now get us out of here!" I ordered.

"Okay I'm on it." Kyle said.

"Hurry I don't think it'll be very long before they get those things back up and running." Butters said.

"Well then I'd hate to be in this town when they do." Kyle said.

We drove to the nearest high way ramp we could find and got on it quickly. We drove for a good hour until we got back to our own town of South Park. We pulled up in the parking lot. A strange guy in a hobo costume came running up to us.

"Dudes I need three fifty for cloths." He said.

"Nice try now you're begging for money what happened to the sponge monkeys? Dan!" I said.


	2. Chapter 2: the Scarlet Ibis Attacks!

SOUTH PARK JOCK WARS 

PART II

THE SCARLET IBIS ATTACKS

Hi, this is Eric Cartman again, and here is the wrest of my story. We were standing in the dark foggy parking lot and Dan took of his hobo costume. "Okay, you got me. The sponge monkeys have rebelled and are no longer under my control. " he said. We walked past him and into the Swamp that lay just down the road from the school. Kyle, Butters, and I were almost out when we found this guy huddling under this tree mourning for a dead **vermilion** colored body.

"Hey we didn't have a swamp here before." I said

"Aw crud we must have gotten in one of those time warp things!" Kyle said.

"Okay so let's just solve whatever the problem is so the story will be over and we don't we can be back in our own time period by the next

"Who the heck are you?" we asked the guy under the tree.

He told us that his brother had died and that his name had been Doodles. At that moment, Butters had climbed up the tree to get a look around and yelled that he had found something. We asked him what it was and he held up a golden ring. "What is it?" I asked him. Butters said that the inscription said that it was the ring of the Blitz King of Anger. He was about to start climbing down when he began to loose his balance and he dropped the ring.

It fell down until it landed on the finger of the dead body. There was a Silence and then a second later the earth began to shake. There was a whooshing sound and a **vortex** of green light erupted around the body and **billowed** up into the clouds. The body of Doodles stood up and we all backed away out of fear.

"Brother, Brother! You left me… Now I kill you!" Doodles said as he held his hand with the ring high into the air and made a strange hissing sound.

Two seconds later an unearthly shriek came from the east. There was the sound of huge wings flapping and a dark shadow blocked out the sun. We all looked up to see what it was and were horrified at what we saw. A gigantic scarlet ibis was circling us. The ibis swooped down and landed between us, and Doodles. Doodles got up on top of the ibis and looked at us through his Witch King like helmet. The ibis flapped its wings and it and Doodles **evanesced** into the thick canopy of the bleeding trees.

"Okay mister who the Hell are you and what just happened?" I asked

"My name is Fred and that was my brother accept I don't think that it was really him. I think that whatever that thing was possessed him and the dead ibis." The guy said

"Okay then what does he want?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know… But we are not safe here. If Doodles has any of his memories left and he is evil then he is mad at two things." Fred said.

"What?" I asked.

"He is angry at me for causing this and he is angry at the guys at club Minus Terrance for not letting him join. That is where we must go." Fred said.

"Hey guys I found another ring!" Butters said.

"Well what does this one say?" Kyle asked him

"It says one bling to rule them all." He responded.

"Aw Crud! I've seen this movie before" I said "But we're not splitting up this time."

We all walked east to Minus Terrance for a long time until We heard a deranged voice start to sing about loving subs cause, they are good to them. We looked out to the west and saw seven black, cloaked figures riding flying radioactive sponge monkeys coming towards us. There was one other rider who was wearing an orange coat leading them.

"I'll handle this Kyle" said as he pulled out one of the AK47s and shot the sponge monkey of the orange rider it let out a retarded shriek and fell to its death. The other riders flew away and we began to walk over to see what we shot down.

"What were those things?" Kyle asked.

"They are the Spaz'gul… Bling wraiths" Fred said

When we got to the sponge monkey, it was a gruesome sight indeed. The amount of blood and gore on the ground was **rank** with each passing second. We walked over to the body of the rider and were shocked to see who it was. It was Kenny! Kenny made a groaning noise then his head fell back as if he was dead.

"Yeah, great time to have such good aim with that gun." I said.

"Oh my god they you killed Kenny!" Butters said.

"No he didn't!" Kenny said.

"I did this." He said as he let his head go back as it had before. That does not mean that a person is dead"

"Well in the movies it does." Kyle said as we picked Kenny up and carried him with us to Minus Terrance. When we got there we found out that Doodle was now being known as the Blitz King, and that he had been amassing an air **armada **of flying sponge monkeys to take Minus Terrance by storm.

By the time, we had **reiterated **our story to everyone the army was below the tree fort. The Blitz King himself was there with the wrest of the Bling Wraiths so that their armies of dorks below wouldn't become **uncoordinated**.

The dorks pounded at the door for hours until they got through. They burst through and clashed with our side for hours. Eventually we had fought our way into their hordes until we had finished nearly all of them off. At that moment the scarlet ibis shrieked and swooped down.

"Uh is it to late to go back and help fix the door?" Kyle asked

"No you're coming with us!" We said and turned to face the Blitz King.

"No man or woman can kill me!" He hissed.

"Well that shouldn't be a problem. Butters, you fight him we're not sure what gender you are." I said and pushed him forward.

"Doodle I know there is still good in you! Come back to the light side!" Fred cried.

"Brother! Brother! You left me! You left me! Now I kill you!" Doodle said.

We heard the shriek of the scarlet ibis as it swooped down on our group. We all ducked but heard a scream of agony come form Fred. We all looked up and were horrified at what we saw. The Doodle's giant ibis had Pinned Fred to the ground and was awaiting Doodle's order.

"Eat him!" Hissed the Blitz King. "Mwahaha!"

"No! I yelled and ran at the ibis but it was too late. The ibis had already punctured Fred's throat with its razor sharp beak.

"Now fight against my hippie army!" Doodle yelled and then let out a shriek. The area around us began to swarm with hippies and sponge monkeys. We stood our ground for as long as we could against the hippie hoards but it was no use they just kept coming at us from all directions. We had just managed to hold our own when I heard the sickening sound of flesh being ripped apart. I looked over twenty feet to my left and saw a sponge monkey engulf and sever Kenny's head from his neck.

"Oh my god you killed Kenny! You Bastards!" Kyle yelled.

"Die now!" Yelled Doodle.

Suddenly there was a bright flash of light and everything vanished.

"Fido!" Yelled the few remaining Minus Terrance soldiers, as they raised their swords in victory.

"Who's Fido?" I asked.

"Some guy who dresses like a dog." Said some guy. "We stole the real one bling while you guys weren't looking and told him to go flush it down the toilet. That is the only way we could defeat doodle and his master the dark lord Lauron."

"We'll that's interesting…" I started to say but there was a flash of light and we all standing back in the football field by the school. We looked over and saw Dan without his sponge monkeys running at us.

"You guys have to help me!" He gasped.

"Why should we jerk ass?" I asked him.

"Three jock mother ships… I mean limos are on their way they'll be here in three hours." Dan said.

… To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

**NORTH PARK**

III 

The Siege of Dorkness

"No way you're making this stuff up!" I said to Dan. "There's no way that there are jocks in limos on their way here."

"Then let's see what you think when they've got the jock queen pulling a Michael Jackson on all you guys!" He said.

"Jock queen?" Butters and Kyle gasped. "That means they can reproduce?"

"Rally the forces of Minus Terrance!" I yelled.

"What forces?" Dan asked. "Minus Terrance is the name of that old tree house in the woods that drunken teens use for absurd things. It hasn't had any one occupying it for a hundred years ever since the Blitz King of Angar attacked it."

"Then we were in a time warp." Kyle said. "Jeez I hate those things."

"Then tell every one who doesn't want to get their butts kicked by a bunch of jocks to go there." I said. "Dan you go do this Kyle and Butters I have a job for us."

Dan ran away to the school leaving the tree of us standing there. I explained to them that the jocks would probably be stopping at various schools along the way for small wins to boost their moral in preparation for the butt kicking they wanted to give North Park. I explained to them that we were going to go to one of these and hopefully destroy the limos form inside before they got here.

"How are we going to get there in time?" Kyle asked.

"With the new go-cart that Lenny was building before we went to that time warp." I said.

The three of us biked to Kenny's former house and raided his garage. We found the half finished go-cart under a pile of wet newspaper. It was merely a frame, a wooden, and all the parts to run that it needed.

"Dude that thing sucks!" Kyle said.

"Don't worry we're going to ditch it when we get there. Get enough fireworks to blow two of the cars. I'm taking the third as my own." I said.

"I know it isn't that strong as far as armor is concerned but it will get us there." I said.

"So where are these jocks stopping next?" Asked Butters as they put sat down in the back, next to the fire works.

"I've calculated that they'll stop at a small private school known as Claremont in about twenty minutes." I said then floored the gas pedal.

"Oh no! That's where my cousin Sherman goes to school we have to save him." Butters said.

"I'm sorry dude." I sighed. "In football there are injuries… He is one of them…"

"No there has to be another way!" Butters cried.

"Fine if there's time I'll get him if not then he's on his own." I sighed.

"Oh thank you Eric!" He said with a smile on his face.

"Look I'm not going to wait around for him all day if he finds us great if not then too bad." I said harshly.

We drove along in silence for about fifteen more minutes until we pulled up to a small one-story private school. We hid the go-cart in the bushes at the far end of the playground and stayed there.

It wasn't more than two minutes before the three limos pulled up and parked in the lot right next to the playground. The doors opened and jocks in football armor started to pour out of the cars. They ran over to the park breaking stuff as they went.

"Let's go now. Get the fire works." I said after I was sure that the jocks were fully focused on kicking the butts of defenseless private school students.

"Where are we going?" Asked Butters.

"To blow up the limos." I said. "After we claim the third one we can tell your cousin to take the go-cart and head for our school.

"Oh okay then." He said as he struggled with the crate of fireworks.

The three of us ran over to the limos and started to evenly empty the crates into the two smaller ones which were empty. The third one, which happened to be a hummer limo, was still about half full of jocks and looked incredibly hard to take.

We snuck up as quietly and stealthily as we could until we got to the back hatch of the hummer limo. Kyle slowly opened it as quietly as he could but it, was no use there were still five jocks in full football armor waiting for us.

"Aw crap." I said as I pulled out a paintball guns and started to fire. It took at least five shots just to take down one jock but I eventually I got them all down.

"Okay now all we have to do is take down the driver and this baby's ours." I said with a grin.

"Okay now we must get to the driver's section and take out the jock's driving it." I said as I looked at the notes on jock mother ships that Dan had given to me. "Get your paintball guns ready there'll be two jocks driving this thing."

We slowly combat crawled through the entire limo until the got right behind the glass window of the driver's seats. Kyle pushed the button to lower the glass while Butters and I readied our weapons. The window quickly lowered and Kyle hid behind the nearest seat.

"Who's there!" Barked a voice. "Answer Me or be castrated!"

"My name is Eric Cartman!" I said and stood up.

A jock's face appeared in the window and I shot my paint gun at the jock hitting him between the eyes. That jock fell down and an alarm sounded. I felt the car's engine start. I looked out the window and saw that we were moving towards the playground, which was now being decimated by the vicious jocks.

"Butters you're the only one small enough to fit through that window!" I yelled.

"Oh all right then…" He said, gapped his paint gun, and jumped through the window.

Several shots rang out and the car stopped. Butters dragged the two unconscious jocks out of the car and off to the side of the road.

"Okay Butters. You can drive one of these things can't you?" I asked after we were back in the compartment of the limo and Butters was in the front. "Take us home now."

"Okay…" Butters said and started up the car. "…After we get Sherman!"

Butters started to drive the car over towards the playground that was now a scene of complete chaos. The jocks all turned to look at us with confused looks on their faces. Butters rolled down the window and started to yell "Sherman! Sherman! Where are you?"

A short brown haired kid in a blue coat burst out of a nearby bush and ran for the limo. Butters told us to open the door and let him in. I waited until he was right beside us to open it. Sherman jumped in and landed on the seat next to me with a thud.

The jocks who, had finally realized what was going on were now trying to open the doors to the limo we were in and were running for the other two limos. I knew that they could not be allowed to get to the other two so I ordered Kyle to set off the fireworks. He pulled out a small black box and opened it. Inside was a small remote control with only one button. Kyle pressed it, there were two loud bangs, and both of the smaller limos were engulfed in flames.

"Time to go!" I yelled. "Butters, get us onto the highway!"

"We'll have to stay in side street drive we don't have enough gas to go into highway drive." Butters replied.

"Then I hope you did a good job of planting those fireworks Kyle." I said. "If they can get onto the high way they'll get to Minus Terrance before us!" I said.

"Minus Terrance?" Kyle asked. "I thought they were headed for the school?"

"I know but Dan is going with them and I'm convinced that he's the one who told the jocks to come attack in the first place!" I said.

It was what I had suspected. After all Dan was a prep, and preps and jocks are on good terms with each other. I had guessed from the moment He had come running up to us asking for help that he had told the jocks about us and wanted to get our butts royally kicked.

"Of course I made sure to drill a nice big hole in the gas tank just in case the fire works didn't do it." Kyle said slyly.

"What if the jocks fix the limos?" Sherman asked.

"Don't worry they'll heed mechanic types and your average private school doesn't usually have an autos program." Kyle said. "Unless your school does then I think they'll be working on it for a very long time."

"Don't worry, we don't." Sherman said.

"Good then we can let Dan think that he's still got the upper hand." I said calmly. "Butters, fuel up at the nearest gas station then take us home."


End file.
